S: Dating. For some people, that might bring feelings of joy and happiness, for others anxiety and fear. What it should bring you though is relief. Be thankful that you are a human and get to go on fun dates with your potential loverboy (or girl!). Here are some bizarre courtship rituals amongst the Animal Kingdom that you should probably not try when it comes to attempting to woo your crush or significant other:
5. The Touchy-Feely Guy
The Twelve-Wired Bird of Paradise. This intriguing bird has evolved to have stiff tail feathers coming out of the male’s backside of which he then uses to “tickle” the female’s neck. It’d be an odd way for male humans to find and impress a woman, but it’s certainly not the weirdest possibility out there. Here’s a short video of the ritual:
4. The Clingy Boyfriend
The Angler Fish. The male of this species simply attaches itself to an unsuspecting female and morphs itself into part of her skin to fertilize her when necessary. Imagine if humans did this! It’d be a crazy world, with the men literally hanging on the ladies; talk about over-the-top clingy indeed. Here is a very humorous video that shows footage of and mentions a little bit more about this strange courtship:
3. Say It, Don’t Spray It
Scorpion Flies: Because Mother Nature thought keeping scorpions on the ground was not enough. Not only that, but they also have a rather disturbing, I might say, ritual for wooing the opposite sex. The male fly presents large, piles of spit to the female to impress her, and as long as he keeps the gifts coming, he stays alive. What a different world it would be if we females chose our significant others by the quality of their spit—and then, of course, killed the man once the supply of spit stopped coming or lessened. What a strange world it would be indeed…
2. Use the Bathroom Beforehand
Ah, the porcupine. I thought they were quite adorable until I learned this fun fact: in order to impress the female, the male showers them in urine. This makes me very thankful for being a human, for I do not need to worry about anyone urinating on me—which is also an excellent transition to my next point… First though, because I would rather not post a video of this ritual, enjoy this adorable picture of a mommy and baby porcupine:
1. Again….Use the Bathroom Beforehand
“I want a hippopotamus for Christmas” is a line you may recognize from an adorable song that you may love and enjoy, and if so, then I am sincerely sorry that I am about to ruin it for you. To attract the female in the wild, the male hippo sprays feces at the girl. Yep, he defecates all over her. If I were to get a hippopotamus as a present, I would sure hope it’s a female! Ladies reading this right now, let’s take this moment to be thankful we are not hippos. Again, I’d rather not post a video, so here is a very sweet baby hippo to admire:
If you think that’s cute, you should check out this adorable creature—this hippo stays small!
Now, with all these don’t's, what should you, dear Human, do to woo your girl? As cliche as it sounds, just be yourself and go do something exciting! Don’t do something that is really typical, such as going to dinner and a movie—even though that is a great casual date sometimes! The most important thing I think one should remember when dating and figuring out what to do is to just go somewhere together that is both memorable and unique. Whether it’s a beautiful, romantic place, such as taking a hike to go watch the sunset and do some star-gazing or it’s a fun, care-free place, such as an amusement park or festival, just do something unique and be yourself! And don’t try any of the mating rituals listed above; leave those to their own kind. I’m sure in a parallel universe, an angler fish or porcupine is writing about how weird we humans are for taking the opposite sex out on numerous dates and exchanging gifts and what-not before anything even happens.